Friday, August 16, 2013

Road to Happiness ...

08.16.2013
(You guys get a two for one today!)

Over the last few weeks I have not blogged, mostly because a lot has changed. All for the better, but it is still sort of hard to put it in "black and white".

I want to start by saying my intentions are never to hurt anyone. If you are reading this, I really hope one day you will believe me. I only wanted to be happy and not miserable anymore. I personally made myself miserable. I let myself believe for years that I could make someone want the same things as I did. Then when my dreams were shattered by infertility, I let myself believe that I was fine with not pursuing other fertility options and remaining in a relationship that I felt lost in. I was so wrapped up in what I wanted and since that wasn't an option I completely shut down. I can't blame anyone but myself for the destruction of the relationship I was in. At one point I do believe he loved me. Deep down I think he still does. Just not the girl that is standing here today. He loves the 24 year old girl he met that September day. I am not that girl anymore. I haven't been her in a long time. And I shouldn't be that same girl at 31. Unfortunately we didn't grow together or want the same things. I will forever be grateful for the time I spent with him, what I learned about myself, and for the lessons I learned.

So that brings us too ...

A few weeks ago I met an awesome guy. I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually go on a date with him because I was still stuck in my head ... my miserable existence. I had already caused one person to hate me because I was miserable all the time. Did I really want this guy to think I was a horrible bitch too? So after talking to some friends it was decided that I could use this as free dinner. Sorry Wade! But we actually never left my condo. We talked for hours. About everything from our childhoods, family, friends, my need to get married and have kids. Shockingly he didn't run away screaming in horror! I wasn't sure if he would call me or text me ever again, but he did. This guy likes me! Crazy since I still don't believe I am worth someone liking.

I don't think you should find your happiness within someone else, but I do think someone should make you happy. Wade makes me happy. And I am actually happy with me ... probably for the first time ever. You will hear more about him in future blogs, so I won't bore you with his awesomeness too soon. :-)
My handsome boyfriend and me at Harpo's 
... I may or may nor have drank way to much!







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