Friday, May 3, 2013

Personal thoughts ...

05.02.2013

Over the last few months I have started thinking I need therapy. Real therapy, not a glass of wine and a great talk with a friend. I don't really ever think I was a happy person. I have moments, but sadness surrounds them all.

How did I get to be like this? ...
I did not have a horrible childhood. Well unless you count when I was seven and my parents decided I needed a brother. But overall it wasn't too bad. I went to Catholic school, went to church, was a Girl Scout, went to sleep overs, etc. I remember my childhood in pieces, I now assume that is because I have blocked out the bad.

I switched schools twice from 5th to 8th grade. NEVER do this to your introverted child. This should be on the list of child abuse. In case you were wondering why I switched schools ... My dad was the manager of the "lower hall" at the church were my brother and I attended school. One afternoon he was moving a half barrel of beer to the cooler, somehow he lost this grip and the barrel fell. To prevent his foot from being smashed or cut off he moved back, resulting in a slipped disk in his back. My dad needed surgery and was unable to work. The church told my parents "if you cannot afford the tuition then your children cannot attend this school." My parents made the hardest decision of my life ... PUBLIC SCHOOL. A Catholic school girls worst nightmare ... or at least my worst nightmare. After two years in public school, my parents enrolled my brother and I back in Catholic school. Much smaller than the original we attended. I was scared at first, but I really liked it. I made some of the best friends I had ever had. I still Facebook with a few to this day. I even followed a couple to Notre Dame High School. Too bad I didn't do any research to prepare myself for their learning structure. It really was not for me. After thousands of dollars on top of tuition for me to finish my Freshman year over the summer, my parents decided that I would start my Sophomore year in public school.  (This makes the third change in schools ... If you are keeping score) This time not only did I have to change schools ... we were moving. I grew up in South City. That was my home. Now I was moving to North County. Ugh! I met my best friend and "sister" in Advanced Child Development. She had the coolest nails and said things like "coolness" and "awesomeness". 14 years later we are closer than ever.

As a young adult I switched retail jobs a few times then finally settled in the corporate world. I am not particularly happy where I am. I didn't go to college. I should have listened when I was told "if you don't go right after high school, you will never go". Of course I was not going to listen to that and made the decision not to attend college. Money was a factor as well. My parents didn't have the money to pay the tuition and I surely didn't have any savings from my high school retail job. I guess you could say I am lucky to be in the role I am without a degree. I would like to say they are lucky to have me.

I have only seriously dated three guys in my adult life. None of which deserved me. The last one I am still trying to get over. Six years is a long time, lots of memories. A huge piece of me is scared I will never find "the one". Other pieces of me are scared I will turn into my mother. Another huge piece of me is scared I will never be a mom. I sound like I am a pie chart ... In a way I guess I am. I would be lying if I didn't say it was like a knife in the heart every time someone announces they are pregnant.

Today, I am overly sad ... depressed even. I am scared to talk to someone for the fear of defeat or what they might tell me about myself. I do want to be happy. Really happy. I want to really enjoy moments, not fear for the next low point.

Well now that I have depressed you all ... Enjoy your weekend. If your live near me ... carry an umbrella, looks like a wet one.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Brandi! Don't be afraid of therapy....It can be a great thing and it can really help just to talk to someone who is objective about how you feel. Try it, you'll see how much it can help!! Your friend, Lisa

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the workds of encouragement!

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